Monday, August 11, 2008
just something random.
i dont know if its just me or whatever, but i've recently felt quite envious of other people. not that i dont like my current life; heck, i feel im super fortunate to be born into my family. but its just...
i guess i've been feeling lonely when im at home. books, tutorials, tv, computer, food, sisters, piano, fresh air, exercise... its routine to me already. i know my grades arent that good, so i should spend more time on my books and tutorials, but im tired of them. i just want someone not in my immediate family to talk to. im just so envious of those who have classmates or schoolmates who live like walking distance away, so they go home together, spend time playing or talking or simply doing stuff together.
thats probably one reason why i go to school. despite tests and exams and grades, theres all these great people all around me, talking, laughing, accompanying me through the hectic school life. they go through thick and thin with you (almost all, i guess), and make fun of you, laugh at and with you, eat with you, spend time working with you... its enough to dispel all the misgivings you once had about the academic world.
to me, friends are like the family you never had (cliched, but that sums it up), and one you can mess around with. this family, of mixed blood and name, share your moments in school, be it happy, sad, funny, embarrassing, thoughtful, angry, disappointing, euphoric... (cant think of any more adjectives) whatever the case is, i kinda wanna spend more time with whoever i call a friend. i dont like the way im going home now: sometimes with earphones in my ears, sometimes with a book or paper in my hands, sometimes sleeping, sometimes stoning...
i guess i really am selfish. after all, how many times have i hurt others whom i refer to as my friends? some probably dont even see me as a person they want to recognise/know, and others just resign to their fate of having known me as an acquaintance. maybe i dont even have the right to call some people my friends, given all my previous deeds and all.
and yet someone told me never to put myself down as i have just done. another told me to have more confidence in myself. a third ordered me never to apologise to him/her, since i had done so too many times before (quote: "stop being so generous with your apologies; they wont be sincere if you are so used to giving them away."). people were there when i felt horrible at myself. people saved me from hitting myself unconscious during my "self-harm" period. people have sat down beside me, listening to me rant out my feelings, and, simply, listen.
i have always wanted to be a listening ear, to help someone with his/her problems, but i never seem to be able to render myself useful in any way. i try to lend a hand to whoever/whatever i think needs help, and yet either the situation doesnt require me/my help, or i fail to see a situation that requires me/my help. i want to help so bad, and yet i feel so helpless. but these people always refuse to let me feel bad, telling me that i am needed elsewhere, or they wouldnt want to intrude on me, and ask me to go and complete my homework and not waste my time.
i thank them. i thank you. i guess friends are always there for when you need them, no matter for what reason. friends, and anyone closer, are near you for a reason. i dont believe that there isnt a reason for you to live. the moment you came to this world, you made someone happy. (obvious, and true, but many dont see it.) i love all those around me, be it sibling-love, friendship-love, kinship-love, or whatever you can think of.
i just wish that someone stayed near me, or someone that stayed near me became a close acquaintance. even though i know that this wish would probably never come true (unless i take the initiative to talk to someone/anyone/my neighbours), i still hold hope to myself. i just want someone to talk to in the flesh, beside me, whom i can listen to as well, and not just be and output source. i wanna help.
if you have been patient enough to read through the whole blog, i sincerely thank you. even though i have no idea why you would want to read through my whole entry. i just thought of close friends, and was thinking why i have none so much so that any girl i talk to for several days makes her someone i like more than just a friend.
thats all for now. reflection number 2 since the meeting, even though this probably would pull my grades down even lower. but im a people person; i care. i want to care, to help. i need social interaction as well, like everyone else, not just simple black-and-white and writing and calculations.
i just wish for someone who can let me know that i am liked for who i am, for my flaws and my strengths (if there are any to be found). but that would be asking too much already.
bubbye. =|